Solving the mystery

Not Merde, It's Shit

2011-05-31T08:38:00.001-07:00

First of all, I’m not trying to be Debby Downer, but last Wednesday, I was released from the hospital, diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. Scary shit. My appointments with the specialists are next week but I was told at the hospital to watch the sodium. I have to literally rethink my lifestyle. I mean what if what you are eating is killing you? I want to say shit again but maybe I will use the French word “Merde”. No, it might mean the same in France but I need to say shit. I guess I should be Suzy Sunshine and say I am happy to be alive and I am but I like to go out and have a couple of drinks and occasionally have a crazy night out with my friends and now when I go out I’m afraid that everyone visualizes the Grim Reaper standing behind me. Including me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Just a Little Bit

2011-01-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

I’m sure that no one had any idea that their words would inflame the mind of a lunatic. Maybe not so much the words themselves, but an atmosphere of approval of violence against people you disagree with politically has been created. And I know that Democrats have also engaged in such speech and it could have very well been Republicans as victims of a liberal-leaning nutcase. But everybody should realize that there are consequences to that type of talk. Otherwise, this will happen again and no one will be able to tell themselves that they didn’t know this could happen. They will have to live with the knowledge that they were partially to blame for the death of innocent people.

One side of the polical spectrum will disparage the other side to the point that the opposing side is seen as evil. This has to stop, we are all Americans who love their country. We should treat each other with respect, if only for that reason.

Disney and Christmas

2010-12-22T10:59:00.001-08:00

My kids are older (20 to 26) and unmarried right now. Since we don’t know what life will be like a year from now (Dear God, I need to be an empty nester!), we decided to have a short family vacation. Living in Florida, I can get the Disney Florida Resident Passes. My husband and I got passes for each other and each of our kids for Christmas. We will get there Thursday night by car and leave Sunday night. We are staying at a cheap moderately-priced hotel. (We get two rooms.) We will give them $100 each for clothes that they needed anyway. Since they are older, the only souvenirs we buy are a couple of Christmas ornaments. We’ve been there before, so we know the cheaper places to eat. Since we are not the earliest risers, we usually skip breakfast except for one day when we might splurge at a Golden Corral for breakfast. One restaurant meal (German pavilion all you can eat) will be where we have Christmas dinner. Other than that, we do counter service. Best of all, though, are the Christmas decorations and lights. You see, I am from Philadelphia (not the classy section), where Christmas lights are considered to be works of art. The bigger the display, the more it takes my breath away. Main Street Disneyworld actually looks romantic with the pretty wreaths and poinsettia plants. But Hollywood Studios, is an OMG display of millions of lights that go off and on in time to the music. All I need is a cup of hot chocolate (really, I’m gonna get one right now).

Another Lifetime Ago - Giving Birth

2010-12-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

During my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. A few days before my due date, I was hospitalized for observation. I was told that since I also have small hip bones (which I do), that I should have a c-section. In spite of being prepared for a natural childbirth, I had the procedure. The only problem I had was after my daughter’s birth, when I started to be able to feel my rib cage. Since the doctor was not quite finished yet, I expressed my concern. They immediately gave me morphine, which put me out and I slept the rest of the day and the night, as well. I did not hold my baby until I woke up the next day. I went home, rested for a couple of days, and then was full of energy.
When I was pregnant again, I had switched healthcare plans and was told that I had to have a vaginal birth. They handed me a form to sign in which I was warned about the increased chance of an emergency c-section. To their dismay, I refused to sign it on the grounds that I would rather have a planned surgery than an emergency one.
During my last pregnancy I had a c-section. During the procedure, I was surprised that they performed the Apgar test twice on my baby. The next day, a staff doctor said to me “Are you the one whose baby was born with the cord wrapped around his neck”. I said that no one told me that. He looked nervous and said “I must have the wrong file”. Since my baby had the Apgar test twice, I think that the staff doctor did not want to be the one to tell me what really happened. I am glad that I had a c-section because if my baby went through the birth canal with the cord wrapped around his neck, well, I don’t know if he would have made it without brain damage. Fortunately, he was fine.
I know that their is a group of people who are against c-sections. But every woman has the right to decide what is best for her and her baby. I think I made the right decisions at the time. My children were all born healthy. And that is what counts.

Glad to Be a Boomer

2010-12-03T07:29:00.001-08:00

One of the nice things about being a boomer (I am 57) is that we grew up listening to great music: rock and roll as well as big band and classics like Sinatra (thanks to our parents). As the years passed we also enjoyed music from the 70’s, 80’s , 90’s, etc. When I’m driving, I like to turn on my satellite radio and listen to today’s music. It amazes me how much they borrow from previous generations. , I doubt that she is aware of this, but the melody actually came from the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893.

There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.

It goes to show that the average young person may diss music from previous generations , but the people who actually create the music they listen to, are inspired by it.

Anyway, my new interest is Jazz. I went to New Orleans in July and you can hear many kinds of music,: R&B, Country, Rock (60’s to today) and a lot of Jazz. Smooth, Dixieland, Fusion, etc. I think I liked the Blues and Dixieland Jazz the best. Although listening to smooth jazz at breakfast was fun, too.

Why I Rarely See My Sister-in-law

2010-12-01T12:21:00.000-08:00

My in-laws passed away fairly early in my marriage. So I had to deal with a sister-in-law. So to represent her side of the family, my husband and I would attend every freakin birthday party her kids had. Then when we started our family, they would make up excuses not to come. They preferred to spend the time schmoozing her rich aunt and uncle. Sometimes they would stop by for 15 minutes on the way home. My sister-in-law, her aunt and her aunt's daughter-in-law would go out to lunch together and even when I was unemployed would not ask me to join them.
Years later, all of us had moved to Florida and my sister-in-law divorced and re-married. She and her new husband called to say they were in the area and wanted to visit, ON ONE HOUR'S NOTICE. They arrived and stayed 15 minutes. During that time, her new husband kept talking about nicer houses that he had seen.
I used to feel bad about the fact that we were so low on their list of priorities. But as the years went by, these feelings started to fade. I don't expect anything out of them and I am never disappointed. I try to enjoy my life as much as I can. "Living well is the best revenge".

How I Celebrated Thanksgiving

2010-11-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

In a large glass, pour 3 oz. of red wine and fill the rest with diet lemon-lime soda. Tastes like sangria. And sip it, don't chug it down. Start AFTER the turkey is in the oven.

Put 4-5 ounces of skinless turkey on your plate, then veggies, then small amounts of your favorite foods side by side, don’t pile anything. If you run out of room on your plate, remind yourself that the other foods are not your favorites. Also, chew your food slowly and enjoy the taste. By the time you clean your plate, you will be reasonably full. Then stop eating. Tell yourself that you feel fine now and you don’t need a stomach ache later. After dinner, clean up as much as you can. If you must serve dessert, purchase one and make it the smallest one you can get, and cut very small servings. Again, eat slowly and enjoy the taste. If you find yourself going back for seconds, you will be aware that you are in the danger zone and at this point you need to put the dessert in the fridge and leave the area. If you have kids, it will be gone by morning.

Watch Kill Bill Vol. 1 with family.

Developing Self Respect: It Does Sound Pathetic

2010-11-04T11:01:00.001-07:00

It takes very little for me to have self-respect:
If the bed is made, we all have clean clothes for the day, I have food in the fridge, the bills are paid, the dishwasher is empty or running and I have wiped my counters and sink : that is an amazing day
If I can clean a bathroom or mop a floor, I am ass-kicking awesome.
I guess I gotta start somewhere.

Damn, I'm Prolific Today: Christmas Memories

2010-10-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

I read a blog about Christmas shopping lists today. Since I don't keep a list anymore (Get the cards done, decorate, stockings filled, find out what video games, CD's, DVD's the kids like......maybe I should keep a Christmas to-do list), I didn't have an appropriate comment to make. But that didn't stop me from taking a trip down Memory Lane.

I should've paid more attention when my 4 month old baby spent more time playing with the ribbons than her toys. Yes, I not only wrapped the presents, but trimmed then with ribbons and bows (pre-made , of course). For a 4 month old. In later years, I hid down the basement on Christmas Eve, and did the wrapping on the floor, since we had not table down there, taking breaks when my legs fell asleep. (Yeah, I'm a last minute shopper). When my kids were teen-agers, I finally got sensible and tried buying big plastic bags with Christmas designs, and just threw their presents in, unwrapped. Can you believe it, they were disappointed? The next year they got video games , CD's or movies put in their stocking. One stop shopping for all. Now that was a Merry Christmas. No sore knees.

Proud of myself in a perverse way. On the one hand, this is my second blog post in one day. On the other hand, don't I have more important things to do today?

I Live in a Glass House and I Also Throw Stones

2010-10-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

All my adult life, I have felt to be in competition with the “Centerfold”. To me, she did not feel human. I could not imagine having men I did not know or whom I did not consider attractive or even likeable masturbating over my picture while imagining doing all kinds of things to me. Yet on the other hand, by posing in these pictures that were so easily available these women were acknowledging the humanity of their male viewers. Which is something I did not do. I was the person who did not acknowledge the unattractive men while at the same time I would be nervous around the good-looking ones. I do what I criticized men for doing: I treated people differently based on their looks. Since I always considered myself to be plain looking, even when I looked my best, I had become the female version of the type of person played by Ernest Borgnine in Marty. I also did what he did, I got to know a really sweet guy, who was passably attractive, due to a combination of physical and inner beauty. In fact, he also had to go beyond the initial appearance with me and we fell in love.

Today I am a lot older and I realize that there are two types of women: the ones who care about who sees them naked and the ones who don’t. Feeling one way or the other does not make you a better person because it doesn’t define who you are. Sure, the women who are centerfolds, etc. are airbrushed,professionally made up and physically blessed. They also have to maintain their diets, exercise and, in some cases, have difficult surgical procedures to achieve their status. Again, I often felt that I was unfairly judged because of my age and weight. Then why do I make presumptions of the Playboy women? I consider myself to be a loving wife, mother, with a slightly off-beat sense of humor, watches horror films, love music, books, travel and could not survive without my spirituality . Many of the Playboy women, strippers, etc. are no different, I’m sure. Although I wonder how many have a comparable collection of Tigger dolls.(Don't judge me.)

Supporting Your Friends

2010-10-10T14:47:00.001-07:00

I realized today that it’s just as important for me to support my friends as it is for them to support me. Sometimes I don’t feel like going out when a friend invites me to an event. I think that I’m not in the mood. I used to be very shy as a child and old habits keep trying to come back into my life. But that’s not the point: how I feel. When you are an introvert, that is what you focus on. My friend has invited me to show support for her venture. That is what keeps a friendship going, that feeling of support. And I am always glad that I did it.

Warning: I'm Rambling On and On (Again)

2010-10-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about religion today. Well, first I need to make this clear that I don’t try to make other people agree with me. I guess what I really want to do is to straighten out my own thinking. I mean, I believe in God. But what is God, to me? Is he the Old Testament God, the nonpersonal God of Buddhism and Hinduism? Is he a synonym for the Universe? But do I really believe? I’ve always thought that there had to be a creator. But a few weeks ago, I heard a scientist talk about the existence of multiple universes that have no beginning. He asked why people have such a hard time imagining the universe without a beginning when they can accept a Creator that always existed. The Creator, who always existed: first of all, can I accept that? Can I accept a being who always existed and put deliberate thought into creating one (or more) universes? Or I can believe that the Universe(s) always existed in one place or another. But there was a big bang, where did the original materials come from and how did it start the process? And what is the Universe, anyway? Is it the stars, planets, etc.? Or is somehow every conscious being on earth, connecting to each other. In a way, I envy people who are atheists, they are so certain. Of course, I think they are too wrapped up in their criticisms of organized religion to be able to think it through. If there were no organized religions, I wonder how would they feel, about the existence of God as well as their own spirituality.

I must believe in something that exists out there, because when I do feel the need for prayer, if I didn’t believe in a God, who am I praying to? Another part of my problem, is that although I am interested in spirituality, I have noticed that lately I am not praying as much as I used to and I am also finding excuses not to meditate. If I am really spiritual , that would not happen, now would it? Am I someone who claims to be spiritual because I like that label? Am I a hypocrite? I think I am letting my spiritual practice backslide. Maybe, that is why I am feeling so empty lately.

Sorry if this looks like I’m rambling on and on, but part of the reason I keep a blog is to help me to sort through this stuff.

Bullying Gay Kids

2010-10-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

People under the age of 21 are greatly affected by peer pressure. More so today than when I was a kid. (I was picked on, too). The ones who are gay already receive a message from society that they are not as good as everyone else. Look at DADT, adoption rights, gay marriage. Television often shows gay stereotypes, when they show gays at all, There are many people who think they don't know any gay people because so many are afraid to come out. This is the world that they are going to live in and that is scary enough without bullying them

Minor Accomplishments

2010-10-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

I once read a book by Harold Kushner (not the Why Bad Things book). He talked about the Bible story of Joseph, you know, the one with the colorful coat and nasty brothers. He mentioned a minor character in the story, a shepherd. Joseph asked him something like, ”Have you seen my brothers?” He responded by telling Joseph where to find them. Now, this was the interesting comment: What if the shepherd wasn’t there that day? What if, for some reason, Joseph could not find his brothers that day. How much would that have changed the Bible? The Jews would never have been in Egypt. Moses would never have led the Chosen People? What would have happened to the Ten Commandments?
We don’t know the name of the shepherd, but by doing that small thing, he was able to ensure that today, we have the Ten Commandments. No matter what faith you have, or none at all, this has had a major effect on the world.

Sometimes, I am concerned that I am not accomplishing anything that someone else would consider important. I just hope that in a small way that I will contribute to a more positive world. That is the most that the majority of people can hope for, anyway.

The Best Night Ever - Unplanned

2010-10-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I am a person who needs to make plans for vacations. I research hotels, attractions, and restaurants. I look up the hotel on Google Maps so I can check out the neighborhood. But sometimes the best memories come about all on their own.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I spent a long week-end in New York City. One day we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and stopped by Strawberry Fields. We were lucky that a photographer was there, who decorated the memorial with roses. He didn’t mind if we took pictures and we now have a treasure that we will never forget. We got off the train at 42nd St. (my husband loves any kind of train), walked up the stairs and realized that we were hungry. Looking across the street, we saw B. B. King’s. Walking in, we saw signs that Burt Bacherach was performing. After our dinner arrived, we spoke to the server about seeing the show. Our plates were carried out to the theater. It was funny, it looked like a small parade and people were staring at us like we were important. We sat at a table, which as luck would have it, was occupied by several women in their late 20’s who were Burt Bacherach fanatics. It was like being with the cast of Sex and the City, but no conversation about sex. The show itself was amazing. He sat at his piano, backed by a small orchestra and several singers. Every song performed was a classic. Occasionally, he would take a break and talk about his childhood, his daughter,who was finally impressed with him due to his appearance in the first Austin Powers movie, and his concerns about the health of his former partner, Hal David. A special guest appeared, Rufus Wainwright, Jr., to sing his version of “Message to Michael” called “Message to Martha”. I was a little familiar with him, because he sang in the movie “Aviator”.

After the show, all the girls at our table but one went home because they had to go to work the next day. One girl went with us to have a drink at the Hard Rock. Next thing we knew, they were announcing that they were closing. I think this was the first time in a long time that I closed a place. After she went home, my husband and I took a cab back to our hotel. I remember looking out the window at the lights, just like I have seen in many movies. Thinking that this night was a one-in-a-lifetime experience.

Adventures with ADD

2010-10-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

My daughter has ADD and OCD. We realized she had something going on when she was in Kindergarten. I didn't know anything about ADD. I wasn't sure if it was a lack of intelligence or self-esteem that caused her to rip up the homework papers where she had to circle one thing on it. When she reached third grade, we met with the teachers, counselor and the school psychologist. The teachers talked about how difficult it was to deal with Laura (she daydreamed) and that they could not do that and handle the other students. The psychologist suggested a school for children with learning disabilities. The counselor mentioned ADD. A neurologist who specialized in ADD diagnosed her and wrote a prescription. Unfortunately the counselor felt that children should not get ADD medication, which caused my daughter to refuse it. She got all the way through high school by the skin of her teeth.
She never bothered to take the SAT. I assumed ,at the time, since she was interested in changing her hairstyle frequently, that perhaps she would want to be a beautician. To my surprise, she wanted to be a CPA. She took the entrance exam for our community college and failed it by a two points. I rarely have seen Laura cry, but she was heart-broken and sobbing. She started taking the remedial courses and realized that she needed help.
I found a therapist for her who prescribed the medicine she needed. She and her doctor (we have gone through several) have had to play around with the type of medication and dosage because of the side effects. She has suffered from lack of appetite (she is a size 1), constant sleepiness, insomnia, depression and anxiety. She needs to monitor herself constantly to deal with this. Her situation changes from day to day.
But now she has her Bachelor's in Accounting and is trying to go for her Master's while working. People do this all the time, which is what I tell her when she gets discouraged. But this is harder for her than for other people and I am proud of her accomplishments. She will reach her goals because , with the OCD, she is too stubborn to fail.

Celebrities May Be Human, Too.

2010-09-27T12:00:00.001-07:00

I watched the mis-named Dancing With the Stars last week for the first time. (These are stars?) Even though there were several that I never heard of before, it was worth watching for Margaret Cho. She ACCIDENTALLY got herself all twisted up in her gold veil and her partner had to stop their performance to get her out of it. And her very old parents were sitting in the audience. I love Margaret Cho, but this was hilarious. I know, I'm so mean. And the following night they had Carlos Santana and Chis Daughtry. That CD is now on my Amazon wish list.

Maybe I have ADD, or Maybe I'm Just Crazy

2010-09-17T11:31:00.001-07:00

Addicted to watching the Ken Burns series: Jazz. Addiction grows by finding the songs in the series on You-Tube. Becomes insanity when I get You-Tube on my cell phone so I can play videos wherever I’m at. About to be committed when I spend spare time making lists of videos by artist, etc.

One good thing: my kids are ignoring me.

Why I Like Zombies

2010-09-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not saying that I really want to meet one, or be one. Although I admit that I can resemble the Living Dead before I get my first cup of coffee. In fact, when I had a bright pink bathrobe, my kids would refer to me as the "Big Pink Thing", as I stumbled into the kitchen.

Now I'm trying to go from light-hearted to serious. If there is a secret that all writers know as to how to do this, I don't know it. So here goes:

We live in a world of uncertainty. We don’t know what the future holds. We want to succeed in life, but we can’t count on even getting or keeping a job. This feeling of doom has seeped into our spirits. It is part of us, even when we are not consciously thinking about it. In a fictional world where zombies exist, you are fighting to survive. You don’t know what is lurking around the corner. I think immersing yourself in that world even for a few hours generates stress, but it is so overwhelming during that time span that it takes your mind off what you are going through in reality. Then when the movie ends or you finish the book, you actually feel better about your own life, at least the world you really live in isn’t that hopeless.

Blabbing Again

2010-09-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

This is a much longer version of a comment that I made on Mommy Wants Vodka blog.

I was beginning to feel invisible. Next, the feelings of my husband and children seemed more important than mine. Finally, I felt like my opinions were worthless. Depression ensued. It may seem trivial , I know, but one day I read an on-line article that made me feel like WTF? I don’t remember what it was about, but I wrote a response. Someone responded and agreed with me. I started checking out news articles, started with Twitter, then a friend said to me, “How come you’re not on Facebook?” I started to keep a journal, and then a blog. I found the blog Mommy Wants Vodka, to be inspirational. My responses were getting so long, that I thought I should title them by Chapter. I shortened them before submitting and put them the original on my blog. (Not copying you, Dear Aunt Becky). Her blog was a great starting point for me to get to know myself again. Now I know this sounds pathetic but writing has greatly increased my self-esteem, even though no one reads it. (I might put this on my blog, getting too long again.) I think an on-line support group for women that promotes honesty, bacon, and vodka (responsibly, of course) is awesome. As well as fruit flavored vodka.

When I Had To Re-evaluate My Beliefs

2010-07-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

My son got his first haircut at the age of 2, and honest to God, he flirted with the tall blond hairstylist. She told him how handsome he was. When he turned 12, he was into rap music, horror movies and violent video games. Girls would stop at the house for him. At 14, he tells me he could be gay. I was shocked at first. After all, he wasn't effeminate and didn't like Broadway musicals. However from the age of 2, he was very particular about how he wanted his hair cut. And he kept his room very neat decorated with a Spongebob poster and pillow.
When he came to me and said “mom, I think I might be gay”, I did not yell or criticize him. But I did say that sometimes 14 year olds can be overwhelmed with hormones and maybe in a year or so, he might change his mind. I guess I just grabbed at the word “might”. At the time, I was quite religious, I considered myself “saved” and was attending a Bible Study class. There were from time to time jokes made by someone in the class about Gay people. I told the class what happened and they said they would pray for him to change. I thought about my fears and talked to my son. I realized that he did not choose this life. Why would he? People get beat up and killed because of their orientation. I did some research on the so-called Biblical view, and found that there are other interpretations , just like we interpret other parts of the Bible that we disagree. At this point, I started to wonder about taking the Bible literally, I mean, I already rejected the creationism thing. Besides, I could not tell my son that he was committing a sin because I did not believe this was something that he chose. He did not decide one day that, although he naturally preferred girls, in order that he could offend God, he would just pursue guys. Sin is a conscious choice.
He recently turned 20 and is turning out to be a nice young man. I guess I'm lucky that he doesn't act effeminate because he is not subjected to homophobia. Unfortunately, he has to be careful about who he tells. Our relatives don't know and I don't know how they would react. They will either laugh at him, or condemn him. He will always have to pretend that he is something that he has no interest in being.

I Really Do Love Animals

2010-07-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

We got our kids a cat, thinking it would be easier to take care of, in case I got stuck with the job. His name was Sage and his nickname "Pooh Bear". The idea came to me when I was cleaning his litter box. How come TV ads never show the goddamn litter that the cat kicks off its feet and wind up all over the floor. Used kitty litter on my bare feet. Yet somehow I could not get it up with the vacuum.
He also would attack my hands. Just me, no one else.One day, I realized that the stupid cat thought that my red nails looked like blood. He was so dumb that he didn't know what to do with a mouse. He smacked it, let it run, jumped on it,and smacked it. Then the poor thing ran under my sofa, where it had a heart attack and died. Once in a while, our cat would catch a lizard and eat all of it but the head and tail. The tail would wiggle for a while. EWWW.
Unfortunately, as time went by,he developed a rare cancer in his bladder. He would pee all over the house, rarely in the litter box. The pet urine cleaners (who'd want THAT job?) told us when we called them for a second cleaning, that there was too much urine. We wound up replacing most of the carpet in our house. When the end was near, we had a talk with our kids, telling them that our pet was suffering and that we would have to put him down. They were reluctant, but after a few days of observing him, they changed their minds. They spent his last full day with him, carrying him around, petting him, trying to get him to drink. Then we took him to the vet, said good-bye, and cried.

Having Fun With My Kids

2010-07-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

When my kids were little we had a VCR tape of the Wizard of Oz. They were totally addicted. One day on Mr. Rogers, he had the woman who played the bad witch on his show. She was a grandmother, who liked reading to the grandkids. Then he showed her a cape and witches hat. She put them on and laughed her evil cackle. My 1 ½ year old stuck her thumb in her mouth and was transfixed.
A couple of years later, we took our kids to Disney MGM (at that time). We took the Great Movie Ride and to my delight, at the Alien section, the creature stuck its head out of the ceiling and was right above my 5 year old. She screamed and I put my arm around her and laughed.
Years later when she was 17 and my youngest was 10 we watched the Stephen King movie “It”. I think I kind of ruined the movie for my older kids because I kept mentioning that I saw the actors in other TV shows. Anyway, my son never complained of nightmares.
The following year we went to a Haunted Halloween Walk. I explained to him that everyone was wearing masks. Well, one of the characters was a demented-looking clown. Well, once the guy realized that my son was scared, he followed him all the way through to the end. Luckily, he, for some reason, he grew up to be afraid of spiders. What?

Climbing back out - AGAIN

2010-07-20T12:11:00.001-07:00

I go through periods of depression. So far I haven’t seen a therapist. My oldest daughter takes after me, and I don’t know if we can afford two therapists, so she may do it first. I not only lost myself, I’ve given myself to other people. I love my husband, but he can be very negative and I am very much affected by the atmosphere that I am in. I have talked to him about it but it doesn’t seem to sink in that we both have to change. I guess we both feel that everything would be fine if the other person changes.

Do Europeans Hate Americans or Vice Versa

2010-07-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

I was in Rome when Barack Obama was elected. Someone told me that their President was a lot like George Bush. I don’t think he meant it as a compliment.
The year before I was in a pub in London eating dinner and after I told the waitress what I wanted, he started criticizing Bush in a very loud voice. I ignored him because, hey, he was right, and I was an Obama supporter. Besides, I did not want to stoop to the jerk’s level.
I generally have not been aware of any rudeness in any of the places I visited in Europe because I am an American. Of course, I only know a few phrases in foreign languages. I do however, have a great deal of respect for the countries that I visit.
If any Europeans want to come and visit my area in Southwest Florida, I can guarantee that Floridians would be very happy to see you.

Can't Always Get What You Want

2010-07-15T11:33:00.001-07:00

As a child, we did not take family vacations. Once I remember my Dad saying he would take us to an amusement park. On the way out there, he got mad for some reason I don’t remember , turned around and took us home. That was it. We never got to that park or any other. I remember on a few occasions we would go to a local park and have a barbecue. A few times we went to a local fast food joint for take-out burgers. We never went on a vacation or a restaurant. I think my dad took me to the movies once when I was six. We kids went to the movies on Saturday for 50 cents. The summer before I started first grade, my Dad took me to Mass. After I started school, that ended. The only place we went to on a regular basis was to visit my Aunt Marge and my four cousins. The adults would sit in the kitchen and drink beer while the kids played. I somehow got the message that the things I wanted were not considered important. When the day came that I told my Dad that I wanted to go to college, he told me that women didn’t need college. I was disappointed, because I wanted to be a teacher. But like I said the things I wanted were not important. So I did not argue the point. Years later I came to realize that some of this had to do with the fact that my Dad did not make that much money. But my Dad did not spend that much time with me and I still have that feeling that what I want is not important. So I forgot about my goals.

Toothpicks Holding Up My Eyelids

2010-07-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

Really tired today. Rough time with kids yesterday. Without giving away FAMILY SECRETS (or I would have to kill anyone who may someday happen to read this), two of my young adult children who live at home got into a nasty argument which quickly spiraled out of control. And as usual, Spongemom (certainly not Teflon-Mom) did her best to absorb as much of the negativity as possible. Frozen pizza, chips, a few strong gin and tonics and a Netflix movie got me through the evening. Then my tummy started punishing me so I took a couple of Zantac and went to bed at 8, took a little nap and woke up with a headache around 9 PM. I found the Excedrin Migraine, took two, and realized that I am running out. My headache went away but I still did not feel like ironing Laura’s clothes for her job interview. The Big Fight was mostly her fault anyway even though Andrea overreacted (big surprise). Anyway, I got back to sleep around 2:30. Got up at 6:30 to iron her blouse and touch up the jacket. Gave her some advice for the interview and money for lunch and gas (she also has an appointment with the guidance counselor at FGCU about her Master’s).
I really thought that I would get to sleep earlier because whenever I come up with a great blog idea, it’s usually right before I fall asleep and the next day I can’t remember anything. All I can remember is thinking “Wow, that’s a great idea. So good that maybe I can try to promote my pathetic little blog.” Even though I was awake for a good hour or so after that, I still can’t remember my idea. I’m gonna have to try to remember to write it down.

It's The Time of the Season

2010-06-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! Hurricane Season! That gets the most publicity, probably because we get a few days warning. But we can get tornadoes, too. I only witnessed one.

We were on the road when we heard the tornado warning. We thought the most logical thing to do was to pull over at Bennigan’s. When we got closer to the entrance, we saw a bunch of people outside taking pictures of something across the street. Turned around and it was a goddamned tornado, tearing the roof off a house. Of course, I had to pull out my cell, too. Everyone then went inside. I wanted to get a look through the window in the heavy wood doors .Before I had a chance, the wind blew hard enough to blow them open. The tornado crossed the street, went around the restaurant and tore through a couple of apartment buildings. The worse thing that happened to me was that Bennigan’s lost power and I had to eat somewhere else (needed a drink but I can’t entirely blame that on the tornado. We drove home first, to check on the cat and since Bruce was driving, I tried to get in touch with my kids. No answer. It wound up that my son was sleeping (wearing ear plugs) and my daughters decided that it was a good time to go to Taco Bell. They could see the tornado traveling overhead as they drove. No wonder I needed the drink.

Response to a Roger Ebert Post: Racism

2010-06-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a working class neighborhood in Philadelphia. I attended Catholic school. It was all white, no blacks or Hispanics. We were told that if we attended a Protestant Church service we would be “worshipping false gods” and committing a mortal sin. All through grade school, I believed that Protestants were pagans.

As a child, I rarely saw black people. There was an elderly couple around the corner. I never spoke to them nor they to me. They gave me the creeps. I rarely saw black people on TV (This was the late 50’s, early 60’s. The only black person I remember seeing on TV was a clip featuring Cab Calloway. He scared the daylights out of me. We rarely discussed black people at home. I remember hearing my Dad refer to someone smelling “like a nigger” because she wore too much perfume. He then explained that they smell bad. My mother, who liked rock and roll, especially the Platters and Chuck Berry, could not listen to it when my Dad was home. He called it “jungle music”. When I was 12, my best friend’s enemy had gotten a couple of her black friends to shove her. I said (the first and last time in my life) “Nigger”. To my surprise, the girl, who thought my friend said it, punched her hard in the stomach.

When I was 14, I entered a new stage in my life. Unfortunately, my parents, who never went to high school, were not able to cope well with my adolescence. I wound up living in a hospital for emotionally disturbed children. Since I had already started to question my upbringing, I was fascinated with the black children I met there. A girl named Bertha actually taught me what the word “Nigger” meant. After a few months, I was transferred to a group home run by a black woman, Mrs. Star (I think that’s how she spelled it). It was pointed out to me by my white friend, that I actually spoke with the same accent that my foster family used.

At this point, I took the entrance test and was admitted to Philadelphia High School for Girls. I did not make any friends there until my senior year. These friends were white. I did not stay in touch with them. There was a nice black girl in my English class, who at one point, became a Black Muslim. She was still very nice and signed my yearbook when I graduated. That summer, I developed a crush on a black guy, Kevin, but, since I was extremely shy, I never told him.

Years later, I was watching a TV show about Thurgood Marshall with my 6 year old daughter. In the beginning of the movie, they described the difference between the white school and the “colored” one. My little girl and I talked about it and she exclaimed, “But that’s not fair”.

In 2008, my husband and I and my three children voted for Barack Obama. Things aren’t completely fair now, but I hope the gap is narrowing.

Am I Tweeting My Brains to Mush?

2010-05-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

This is in response to a post on his blog

“When we go online, we enter an environment that promotes cursory reading, hurried and distracted thinking, and superficial learning.” It seems to me that the very process of writing your article as well as the posting of comments is a contradiction to this statement. Many times, I have picked up on an idea or point of view that seems to temporarily take control of my mind and the only way I can recover is by giving the material a great deal of thought. In addition, some tweets just make me laugh and there is a place for that, too.

As far as reading goes, as a child I really identified with the Burgess Meredith character in The Twilight Zone. My mother often said that if toilet paper had print, I’d read it. It was a bittersweet moment when, after she passed away that I actually found printed toilet paper. To summarize: I was addicted to reading, cereal boxes, comic books and newspapers. In the summer months, every two weeks I would borrow as many books as I could carry. Dickens, Austen, Hardy, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, etc.

My two other vices are movies and music. I will give that some thought another day.

A number of years ago, I realized that reading so much really did not make me a better conversationalist, so I started watching popular TV shows. In an attempt to get closer to my kids, I introduced them to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I watched 24, Lost, Smallville, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock. I rented DVDS to catch up on back episodes. I started feeling empty inside.
A few months ago, I received a Kindle. I downloaded the Blackberry app, and among other books, I have the complete works of Shakespeare (which I read as a teen) as well as the works of Victor Hugo (which I must have missed). I can carry the modern equivalent of the ancient Library of Alexandria in my purse. I have been saved by modern technology.

Appeal of SATC 2

2010-05-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

I went to a Sex and the City event last night. They served cosmos, champagne and a variety of appetizers. Most women wore nice dresses and many their most uncomfortable yet chic shoes. At one point, the announcement was made that the movie was starting shortly. Which I ignored. I was never a big fan of SATC. I understand the appeal. But I kept asking myself, how much money do these women make? One of the few episodes that I liked showed a young mother’s shock when Carrie told her how much her shoes cost. Another thing about her shoes, the heels were like 5 inches high, how could she run in those things, let alone just wear them all day.

I think that the women who liked the show enjoyed the camaraderie of the women. That they could depend on their friends more so than their boyfriends/husbands. And there is nothing more fun than a night out with your girlfriends. Even if you purchase your shoes at Ross Dress For Less and your clothes at a consignment shop. These are the people who need to have a little more fun in their lives.

Family Fun

2010-05-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I went to Epcot at Disney on Saturday. So damn hot that the heat was bouncing off the concrete and hitting me in the face. Putting on make-up that morning was a complete waste of time. Anyway, managed to get away from my husband and kids and bought an over-priced frozen Strawberry Margherita (4:30 in the afternoon, I do have standards). It was awesome! Kept me cool for a half an hour and the buzz almost made me forget that I had kids wandering around the park somewhere.

End of Ethnic Studies ?

2010-05-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

At one time, people could learn about European, African and Indian culture through the enjoyment of reading. I always had books around the house, read to my children and they would often see me reading. I had hopes of encouraging my children to read. Their school started a program called “Accelerated Reading” or AR. They were encouraged to read by getting rewards. As a result, they started to look at reading as a task or a chore for which they got paid, not as an enjoyable hobby that has its own rewards Then we got a computer. Since then the only books they have read are the Harry Potter books. By the time I was their age I read Dickens, Austen, Hardy, Shakespeare, Flaubert, Arthur C. Clarke, Asimov, and many more that I just can’t remember right now. I thought of reading as a treat, a doorway into a world in which anything could happen and I never knew what to expect. Now my kids get that experience by playing video games.

Proofs of Love

2010-02-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

I've been reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I've also been watching her videos on You-Tube. The theme for February is (surprise) Love. Although February is almost over, I have some thoughts about Week Five, "Proofs of Love". In the video, she discusses her relationship with her husband.
Proofs of love are also important in other relationships besides as well. As a mother, I like to think that everything I do for my kids (One teen-ager and two young adults) shows how much I love them, but they often take that for granted. What I like to do is to try to share their interests. There may be a new movie they want to see, a music or humor video on you-tube, a new TV show. I like to take them out, individually, for lunch and just talk about pop culture, current events, and maybe something going on in their lives. I’ve been taking jewelry-making lessons from my daughter. I guess doing these things makes me happy.

IRS Terrorism

2010-02-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

I was once the victim of the IRS. Based on false information given to the IRS, concerning someone else’s tax problems, I received two letters on the same day. They were dated the same day and mailed as certified mail on the same day. One letter telling me I had to contact them, the other telling me that since I did not respond to the first letter that they were going to assess me for $200,000 dollars. I received this the day before Thanksgiving, my first born was only 3 months old. We spent the first few days scared to death that we were going to be homeless. Fortunately, my husband had access to the tax laws that showed what they were doing was ILLEGAL. Otherwise we would have been paying for legal fees. We took this information, as well as our colicky daughter, to the IRS office, where they admitted that they were fishing for information, which I did not have. A few months later, I was subpoenaed and told the court the same thing. Left the court room and never heard anything about it again.

Valentine's Day Secret

2010-02-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

I have never told my husband this, because it’s really a secret that we don’t want our men to know. Although none of us would turn down the special dinner or gift, we also treasure the thoughtful things. Last week , my husband had a really rough week at work, his back and arms were achy from stress. Then on Saturday, he had to change an alternator belt on one of our cars. Saturday night was the Cape’s Martini Night. Instead of saying, I’m just going to crash and watch TV tonight, he said “just let me rest for awhile, I might not stay, but you can stay as long as you want”. He went because I wanted to go. I am grateful that he works so hard and he also takes care of the car repairs and house repairs and takes the trash out to the curb every Monday morning. That last part is not a secret.

Is It Ethical for the Layperson to Give Advice on Medication?

2010-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

I read an article about a woman in Australia who was getting psychological advise from an intense self-help seminar called The Turning Point. The leaders had no training in mental health issues.She jumped off a skyscraper to her death. Many times people are advised to buy someone's books or attend a seminar and against taking medication.

It should be illegal to advise someone to either take or discontinue prescription medication. The only permissible advice should be “Talk to your doctor”. This reminds me of a situation when my daughter was in third grade. She daydreamed and refused to do the simplest assignments. The school district psychiatrist wanted her to transfer to a special school. The counselor asked if we ever considered ADD. I took her to a neurologist who asked a lot of questions and said that my little girl was a classic case. Unfortunately, upon the advice of her school counselor, she refused to take the medication. She received counseling from him for two years and it did nothing to help her. The last week of high school, she focused enough to complete some assignments and her teachers passed her. She took the entrance test for community college and almost passed it. It broke her heart that she would have to take remedial classes before starting the normal course work. That’s when she decided that she wanted to succeed in school. She asked me to get her an appointment with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with ADD and OCD. He prescribed medications which initially caused side effects, but the dosage was continually adjusted until it was something she could live with. She is a college senior, now, majoring in accounting. She has to work harder than other students but she is successful. A combination of therapy and medication is working for her.

The Early Years

2010-01-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

As much that is good with my life now, I look back fondly upon the neighborhood where I lived as a child. I grew up in the city of Philadelphia. I suppose you could call it a working class neighborhood. It was predominately Catholic, and, as was common at that time, it was all white. The homes were rowhouses with 2-3 bedrooms and a single bathroom. I lived in a 2 bedroom home with my parents and two brothers. It was a neighborhood that was a kid’s dream, you were never bored because there were so many kids to play with. Every day that we were off from school, we were outside playing all day. There were so many kids that we were always able to play tag or red-light, green-light. We could sit on our front steps and play board games or ride our bikes. We were able to form clubs and softball teams (I remember breaking a neighbor’s window on the narrow street that I lived on). Thanks to a girl who wanted to be a nun we could play school. Our local recreation center (the Rec) provided us with a playground, swimming lessons and so importantly (since I was a girl) an all girls softball team. In the winter, I would make an igloo with my friends. We went indoors just to eat lunch or supper (and I guess take a bathroom break).

We had a library that was a couple of miles away, but the distance never stopped me, even during the winter. I would borrow as many books as I could (twenty in the summer) and return them all within three weeks so I could borrow more. Many of the things we needed were around the corner or down the street, like our corner grocery store, drug store, luncheonette, shoe repair, dry cleaner and optometrist. There was a place across the street from the Rec which sold every type of comic book that was printed at that time. There was even an art gallery for awhile, but I never knew anyone who bought anything there. School was so close by that I came home for lunch every day.

It was a neighborhood where only the husbands went out to work, the women stayed home, taking care of their many kids, cleaning, cooking, and watching the afternoon soaps. In the summer, since no one had air conditioning (except for one family), the housework was generally completed as early as possible.

The big event in our neighborhood was New Year’s Eve. We would all go from one house to another, eating, drinking (beer for the adults), and listening to music. Around midnight, we would watch the ball come down, with Guy Lombardo playing Old Lang Seine on TV. Soon after, I would fall asleep at someone’s house and wake up the next day in my own bed. New Year’s Day was special, too. In Philadelphia, many neighborhoods participated in the String Band competition. Although, I didn’t know of any musicians, our local drug store was owned by Joseph Ferko, who was the founder of the Ferko String Band. The store has been closed for many years and I don’t know where the current members live, but the string band is still a major contender in the annual event. Anyway, after the parade, the band, still in their costumes, would march through the neighborhood, head for the mayor’s house (Mayor Tate went to the same church that I went to), and wind up outside the convent, and perform for the nuns who taught at my school. I remember following the band with my friends, doing the Mummers Strut in the streets. I guess it was like a miniature Mardi Gras, without the necklaces and the booze.

I live in a middle class neighborhood in Florida now. I love the weather, looking out at my pool, admiring the tropical plants and the magnificent sunsets. But it’s not a Neighborhood.

Hello, World! I'm Back!

2010-01-24T13:56:00.001-08:00

It’s been a while since I posted to my blog. I was hospitalized for a couple of days last November due to an allergic reaction to an IV medication. After I came home, I became sick again. I was diagnosed with the flu, which I caught in the hospital. I managed to pull off Thanksgiving pretty much at the last minute.

Luckily, I had recovered enough to travel to London with my husband (non-refundable tickets). After we returned, we attended an employee Christmas party held by the company my husband works for. Since this involved an overnight stay, I not only had to get ready for the party but also pack. We didn’t get home until Sunday afternoon and I had to wash the clothes that we wore to London. On the way to the party, I noticed I was coughing. Monday morning I came down with a nasty “when will it go away” cold.

I went into a lot of detail for a reason. When I was asked to fill out the menu form at the hospital, I did not think it was a good idea to tell them that I wanted 500 calories of protein, a cop of salad and a half a cup of veggies a day (which was the diet I was on).
So I went off my diet, stopped attending meditation class (due to sickness, travel, and the holidays). I had attended a Toastmaster meeting in early November, but did not pursue it. I also had received a couple of invitations from friends in Ninth Wave that I had to turn down. I stopped writing pretty much. I started feeling depressed again.

Once I realized what was happening, I got out my to-do list, containing the minimum things I need to do to feel good about myself. I also added a few things to the list that I needed to remember to do. Now I hard to start over again from scratch with my goals.

I read somewhere that I would have a better chance of success if I started out taking “baby steps”. I added a few things to my list that would improve my health. I made an appointment to get my hair down (three weeks overdue). I am seeing my friends from Ninth Wave and posting on Facebook. I’m not giving up. “Two steps forward, one step back”. Now, I’m concentrating on the forward part.

Tools to Improve My Attitude - Part 2

2009-12-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

I have been using Evernote on-line and on my cell and it has been great. I can clip articles and save them to read later. I can edit the articles, tag them, and put them in folders. I can do the same with voice recordings and pictures from my cell. I can retrieve them on my phone to refer to later, although there is a little trick to it. On my computer, I do a search on the ones I want to read later by their tag and save the search. I can use my cell later, select the saved search and all the articles (or pictures) I want to read come up. Previously, I had been copying and pasting blog articles on Word, printing and filing them if I wanted to refer to them later. This is a lot easier and takes up no paper or space. I use the voice recordings to remember something that I heard on the radio or to save an idea that I had. I don’t use the photo function that much. If I need a photo reminder, I just take a picture of a note and save it on my cell phone home screen, like “Get gas”.
The other one I use is box.net. I have uploaded a lot of the blog articles that I have saved. I also have taken notes on A New Earth (the book and the Oprah on-line classes) that are stored here and some other PDF articles that I have uploaded. I can read these on my cell at any time.

Tools to Improve My Attitude - Part 1

2009-12-01T07:59:00.001-08:00

Since I am easily affected by negative surroundings, I have been trying to find ways to improve my attitude. I have several favorites, but the one I want to write about is reading positive material. I have a collection of books and subscribe to Oprah, but there is a free source that I take advantage of. I don’t remember the first blog that I read, but by using Google Reader, I now subscribe to over 300 Blogs. They mostly would fall under a “self improvement” or “motivational” theme. I also read about travel, humor, current events, shopping and other miscellaneous interests. I can set up folders under the above titles, star my favorites, and even send them to Evernote for later reading on my cell phone. I did try Reader on my cell and was not happy with it. Many of my favorite writers have blogs and I keep finding more to try. One thing that I have just started doing is commenting on the blogs that I read. It’s another way for me to express myself, since I’ve been discouraged from doing so at home. In fact, most of my favorite web sites these days have to do either with positive thinking, journal writing, blogs, Twitter and Facebook. They have been a big help.

Still Bitter, Is There a Cost?

2009-11-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

When my teacher failed me in nursing school, was it a blessing? I had to drop out of nursing school. I was later re-admitted, but a new teacher at the school failed me. I was heart-broken and hated her for many years . I wanted to become a nurse after my mom died, I worked as a nursing assistant for a year, got good job reviews, entered school, got good grades but had to drop out because my husband got sick. When I re-entered ( I even audited a course that I had previously taken, because I did not want to take any chances that I might have forgotten something), they assigned me to a new teacher for my clinical experience. She was an experienced nurse, but never taught before. Besides the fact that I was an experienced certified nursing assistant and had received good clinical grades previously, it was a short summer semester, so I was not worried. During the first few weeks, she expressed frequent concerns about a male student. When she seemed satisfied with his progress, she focused on the oldest student in her class (me). Now I was getting the patients with the 20 (no kidding) different meds. I had to memorize each one, with the type of drug, how it worked, drug interactions, and side effects literally overnight. Well, I did it and she said that I took too long to recite this information. She ignored other students and followed me around. One day, I went up to a new patient with my meds and said, “Wait a minute. You are not Mrs. _____. I was still holding the meds and went to the other bed and said Hello, Mrs. _________. My teacher accused me of trying to give meds to the wrong patient, and failed me. I guess it would have gone better if she had gone after me first instead of the only male student. Then I would have had time to prove myself to her. What amazed me was that she was so obsessed with me, that she never checked to see if all the other students had the required experience of giving injections or doing dressing changes. I tried to dispute her claim, but being in a Catholic School, questioning authority was useless. I was heartbroken and in shock. I loved nursing and if I had won the lottery I would have done it for free. But unfortunately, being out of the working force for so long had severely stressed my finances and I had to get a job paying more than a nursing assistant. I went back to the bookkeeping world. I am still feeling bitter. I don’t know what good came out of it. Maybe something good will happen. Are my negative feelings keeping this from happening?

How to Become Rich

2009-11-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

I define “rich” as the quality of the life that you living. Money is one of many tools that can be used to increase your quality of life. An abundance of money does exist, but at this very moment it may not be in your bank account. Do what you can to change this, but if you have enough to take care of your basic needs, be grateful. Working toward your goal, a positive attitude, and gratitude are other useful tools.

Things That Have Kept Me Sane

2009-11-23T18:52:00.000-08:00

What I like to do: Listen to music, read, drive my car with the moon roof open, enjoying the breeze ( I live in Florida). I used to enjoy gardening when I lived in New Jersey,. I planted begonias, marigolds, geraniums, zinnias, coleus, I planted a flower bed, hanging baskets and pots around my front door. When I was 10 or so, I used to like to sketch. My parents could not afford the lessons that an artistic neighbor suggested, but I’d like to try it again. I used to go to the library every week during the summer and borrow as many books as they would let me have. My parents were not big readers ,so I don’t know how I inherited the “reading gene”. By the time I was 14, I read Dickens, Hawthorne, Alcott, Hardy, Baldwin and Shakespeare and every super-hero comic I could get my hands on. When I was a teen-ager and subject to bouts of depression, I used to like to take the train downtown and walk from City Hall to the Art Museum in the fall.
I know that I inherited my enjoyment of music from my mother. In the early sixties,rock and roll was relatively new and few adults like it. Of course, that was before the influence of drugs. My mom liked Elvis, Chuck Berry, the Beach Boys, the Four Seasons (of Jersey Boys fame, among others.She also enjoyed the music of her youth, especially by Frank Sinatra and music of the Big Band Era. I take after her in a way, because my son likes to share the music he listens to with me. I wonder how I am influencing my kids. I guess it flows from one generation to the next. These are tools of survival. They've gotten me to where I am today

Just Glad It's Over

2009-11-23T08:12:00.001-08:00

Last Wednesday, I went to get my yearly Reclast treatment for my osteoporosis. With this treatment, I could go a whole year without taking those weekly or monthly pills that I forget to take half the time. The medical center is about 10 minutes from home and the treatment takes less than an hour so I left my pork roast in the fridge, thinking I could cook it later. Less than 5 minutes after the IV started, I felt dizzy and sweaty. I called the nurse, they disconnected the IV, gave me oxygen, checked my pulse (40) and I heard one say she could not get a blood pressure reading and they were calling 911. I was in the ER for a couple of hours and was told that I would be discharged. Then a nurse came in and checked my blood pressure. It was 70 over something. They gave me dopamine to raise it and tilted the upper part of my body back on the bed. I felt like I was passing out. They stopped the dopamine and said that I was probably allergic to Reclast, but since it is a rare reaction, they wanted to put me in ICU for observation with a heart monitor.

I’ve read a lot about trying to live in the present moment, but I had no desire to do so while I was hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor, getting Nexium shots in my stomach, undergoing bloodwork, etc. It’s hard to be spiritual when you are in the hospital.

The Basics

2009-11-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

One of the most common signs of depression is neglecting your responsibilities. I know when I was depressed, I neglected household chores and paying the bills. Eventually the depression made me feel so exhausted that it took most of the day to get enough energy to take a shower. On top of that, my husband did not realize my depression and just thought I was lazy.

Looking back on that dark period, I now realize that if I make a list of the basic things that I really need to do to keep my life running smoothly and check them off when completed, I not only get a sense of accomplishment that keeps my spirits up, but I am also preventing future depression, as well. It must be a very basic list. No goals, no big projects. Just the things that fell apart the last time I was depressed:

Get dressed as soon as I wake up.
Cleaning kitchen every day
Make the bed every day.
Keep up with the laundry.
Hair and make-up every day.
Taking my meds.
Make sure we have enough food in the house
Check the bills

This list is the absolute minimum that I have to keep up with. If I am having a bad day and I still get these things done, I am surviving to fight another day.

Forgotten Treasures

2009-11-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

I found a copy of a book that I bought a couple of years ago at Barnes and Noble for $3.99. It’s called “The Positive Bible”. For the past year or so, I’ve become more interested in other belief systems. I‘ve been studying Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”. I am taking a class in Buddhist meditation. I am a fan on Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, and others. So I was curious, as a former Born-Again Christian, can I still relate to the Christian Bible. The book that I found just contains quotes from various Biblical translations that are inspirational, not judgmental.

Thumbing through the New Testament section, I found from Matthew 5:44-46 (NKJV):
4 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[h] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?

Well, the above underlined phrase just about jumped out at me. As a Christian, I believed in a personal God. Of course, I could not completely explain “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People”. There is the concept of Free Will, which I think states that we are all given a choice, to be good or evil and God does not force us to choose the right way. We can also say that God permits difficult, even unfair situations to occur to teach us. Now, I don’t know if I can ever explain everything bad that happens. I really can’t say that I’m wise enough. But reading the above phrase gave me an additional thought (assuming of course, that there is a personal God). First of all, I think that the first part of the phrase denotes something good, whereas the second half is an example of something negative. Rain is life-giving, but at the wrong time, it can produce catastrophes like mud-slides and floods. So, God the Father, permits both. He does not just love those who love him. He is the Source of Love. We are encouraged to love all, as well, so we can be “sons” (Bible language, not mine) of our Father in heaven. Also, by loving our enemies, blessing and praying for them, we are following God’s example of love.

Just a thought (don’t know if I’m right or wrong). I didn’t even realize that I still believed in a personal God. I kinda like it, though.

Progress report

2009-11-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

I periodically go through periods of depression. The last one started a few weeks ago at a party. I suddenly felt separated from everyone else. I told myself that was ridiculous, but the feeling stayed with me. Instead of the positive, uplifting atmosphere that I usually experience with my friends, I felt as though no one really wanted me there. I have been reading the Eckhart Tolle book “A New Earth” and one theory I could not understand was “the pain body”. He devoted an entire chapter to this, but from what I do understand, I think he defines it as an accumulation of old, negative emotions, that form an energy field that exists in your body. It lies dormant, and one day, wham, something sets it off. It takes you over and you just want to be miserable and make others feel bad, too. Your pain body feeds off this.

Afterthe party, I came right home, me and my pain body, that is. Within hours, I could see a change in attitude in my husband and in my kids, as well. At this point, I believe in the existence of the pain body. I don’t want to engage in any helpful behavior, In fact, I am getting worse. I‘m not concentrating as well, I make a mistake with paying a bill, and my husband, who is already feeling negative about the world, said some very upsetting things to me.
The old feelings of no respect for myself were returning. Something came up with my daughter, so I had to miss meditation class. I was sliding downhill rapidly.

One day I read on Twitter “Take a moment and ask yourself, are the feelings I have right now supporting me in my ultimate purpose and goals,” Ken Lauher. I examined how I was feeling at that moment and asked myself if that was how I wanted my life to be.

Well, now I am posting a bit more on Twitter and Facebook, writing more, and I am going to attend a meeting of Toastmasters to see if that can help me to become more self-confident. I will be taking a French class next semester and moving forward on some business plans. And I am back on my diet. So far I’ve lost 22 lbs., have 25 to go.

I am taking responsibility for my own happiness.

Gay-Marriage Activists Look Ahead After Maine Defeat

2009-11-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Gay-Marriage Activists Look Ahead After Maine Defeat

This is so sad. "Marriage between a man and a woman. No one is discriminating against gays. We just prefer a traditional marriage." It is discrimination. If it were to be applied fairly, we should at least make sure that people who claim they are male or female are what they say they are and are in compliance with the law. We should have DNA testing to make sure that not one single woman is suffering from AIS (Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), in which someone who thinks she is a woman actually has male DNA. There are approximately 7,500 women who have this disorder. But who knows how many really have it? I believe that these people are breaking the law in states where "one man, one woman" has been legislated.
After all, this law applies to everyone, does it not?

What Is Really Scary?

2009-10-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

With Halloween almost here, I have been reading interviews where well-known people are asked, “What are your favorite scary movies?" I have seen quite a few, both while growing up and going with my son (mother and son bonding). But a more important question for me is: What am I scared of? Well, it has nothing to do with movies. The following are the three big ones.

Leaving my comfort zone - I guess the times that I grew up had something to do with this. My parents would compare me with me with my very-outgoing cousin and label me “good” and my cousin “wild”. I attended a very strict Catholic school where anyone who got out of line was physically punished. My Dad told me when I graduated high school that it was a waste of money for me to go to college ( I wanted to be a teacher). I feel like I should be doing what other people expect of me. I have been working on that.

Confrontation - I have been afraid of displays of anger ever since I can remember. I am learning that I can handle these situations when I can set up ground rules to make sure that it doesn’t get out of hand.

Negativity - How it can change my positive mood to a depressive one. I work to keep that from happening because the quality of my life is too important to me. When I get depressed, it impacts my relationships and my family life. There have been times when I had to sink pretty low before I began to climb out. I now use inspirational quotes, articles, books, humor, music, writing, meditation and prayer to keep myself going. I recently discovered that taking the time to organize something when I am feeling good can help me later by giving me an accomplishment that I can look at when I need to.

The reasons I developed these fears are not important. The first step is to acknowledge what frightens me and the effects it has on the quality of my life. The next step is taking control. Now that can be really scary.

Not that easy, Deepak

2009-10-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Living your dharma is a matter of being what you are first, and then what you need to do follows automatically. Deepra Chopra

Trying to be who I am takes some courage for me, because the childhood fear comes up: will “they” still like me. Of course, that means that they liked me in the first place. On one hand, if I don’t care at all, I could hurt someone’s feelings or appear insensitive or cold. But caring too much could mean giving myself less respect and someone else more. Maybe that’s the key. Treat myself with respect. As long as I do that, I will be true to myself. I know that “my true self” is my higher self. Treat others as I would like to be treated and know that I am doing my best. Not everyone will like me, but that will not matter as long as I do.

Why I Use Twitter

2009-10-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve been using Twitter for several months now. I am by no means an expert. But I have found it to be useful in a personal way. Everyone knows the basic idea, 140 characters. Well, after you sign up and set your page up, it is recommended that you find some people to follow, I now follow, Deepak Chopra (spiritual teacher and author, one of Time Magazine’s Most Influential People of the 20th Century, and who once Direct Messaged me!), Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, the Dalai Lama, Michael Beckwith, Rabbi Schmuley, Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dwyer, Marianne Williamson and other spiritual teachers. I almost forgot about Reverend Run of Run DMC, I like his can-do, go-for-it attitude and his way with words.
For fun, I read Bob Saget: sometimes his humor may be in questionable taste, but his tweets to John Stamos are so funny! I also like Penn and Teller (separate accounts). Kirstie Alley and Christina Applegate are funny and fearless. And last but not least, keeping to my theme of positivity, I follow Dita Von Teese (only on Twitter, of course). I could describe her as a burlesque star, but she is very fashionable, has a very small waistline, and leads a very glamorous life (a lot in common with me :).
I can mark off my favorite tweets and whenever I need a little encouragement, I can always re-read them and get my mo-jo back. My tweets are not very exciting (well, sometimes to me). Generally, during the day, I have a thought that I think might be worthwhile for me to remember. Sometimes I reply to a tweet that is interesting, but mostly it is to help me on my own path.

James Ray

2009-10-17T06:19:00.001-07:00

From MSNBC.com
Ray wept openly during his first public appearance after the deaths. During a free recruiting seminar for his program Tuesday in Los Angeles, he broke down in tears, the confident pitchman momentarily gone.
"This is the most difficult time I've ever faced," Ray told a crowd of about 200 at a hotel in Marina del Rey. "I don't know how to deal with it really."

I don’t know why this happened. Perhaps, the victims felt ill but thought the feeling would pass and waited too long. Maybe they should have had a physical exam first? I don’t think James Ray intentionally did anything wrong. If nothing else, why would he endanger his own livelihood? However, he is the one ultimately responsible for the tragedy. No matter what happens in the courts I’m sure that he will have to deal with this for the rest of his life. It should be interesting to see. This will be the true measure of the man

Still Learning

2009-10-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

I pulled into the Chase Bank parking lot yesterday. I was in a hurry and I wanted to park into a space that was at the end, with a cement curb on the right side. I was coming in from the right and I pulled in too quickly. I wound up scratching the right front bumper of my car. I was pretty upset about it, but I had to take care of my banking business. When I came out, I got back into the car and thought about it again. Not only did I think again about how upset I was, but I also thought about how I would feel when I told my husband and worried about how much it would cost to fix. (No dent, scratch was about an inch in diameter). Then I thought to myself “You gave it enough thought. That’s it. You’ve done all the thinking about it that you should do.” I’m trying to let it go. I guess that's my lesson for today.

Roman Polanski, How Should He Be Punished

2009-10-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

I found an interesting page on Wowowow.com. There were three articles written by Candice Bergen, Joan Ganz Clooney and Liz Smith giving their opinions of Roman Polanski. I have read about a great deal of celebrity support for him, which I find disturbing.
The following is the comment that I posted on that site.
First of all, he did commit the crime. It is up to an American judge/jury to decide the rest. Anyone who comes up with extenuating circumstances for the rape of a child (she was willing, maybe she was not a virgin, he is of a higher social class and should not have to obey the law) should be willing to make allowances for any rape under those conditions. Would they? Of course not. Even prostitutes can be raped. How far back would that take back the women's movement?
If you want to read the page, the link is:
http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/should-roman-polanski-go-prison-389539?page=4#comment-390776

Meditations

2009-09-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended my first Buddhist meditation class. It didn’t start off really well for me, because I came in a few minutes late because my directions were not good and it was pouring rain. They didn’t have many parking spaces so I needed to park around the corner on the grass. Then after I arrived, the assistant asked us to turn off our cell phones and (new cell) hit the wrong button and No Doubt started to play (at least at a low volume). The class was very enjoyable and interesting.

I was really impressed by the “Give and Take” meditation. When we first started it, it didn’t seemed to be working for me, but eventually I found myself looking at the world through the other person’s eyes and even learned something about him that I didn’t realize before. It was almost psychic. I feel like I can be more helpful in the future. I will continue to practice that meditation in the future.

When the class ended, I noticed that I had met one of my classmates before. She was the one who told me about Eckhart Tolle, which led me down a new path of spiritual learning. Is this a sign from the Universe that I am doing the right thing?

Spouses and Spirituality

2009-09-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

I think it’s important for couples to have some sort of spirituality in common. Your beliefs influence your behavior and unless there is some sort of understanding between two people there will be misunderstandings and miscommunication. Have you ever been in a situation where someone spends literally hours complaining about something negative? They don’t want to talk about how to change the situation, they just want to talk about how unfair it is. Well, you know that “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists." Try changing the topic to something more positive and you are seen as someone who doesn’t care. You also have to strengthen yourself so you can be strong for the other person. I know that is not easy to do and takes a lot of time. The other person is not aware of this and you can be taken for granted. Also being on the same wavelength, spiritually, can bring you closer together, as each party can build each other up.

Agnostic vs. Atheist (Penn Jillette)

2009-09-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

I would suggest watching this first to see what YOU think (NSFW-Language and "the Finger"):

My thoughts: first of all, that would be like asking if your spouse told you to kill your kids, would you do it? I would answer that my spouse is never going to ask me to kill my kids. I know that the history of Christianity shows people killing others and saying that God (or the Bible- same thing) told them to do it. I don’t believe it was God, myself, but a basic fault in humanity (our ego) that says “My way is the only way. If you disagree with me, I have to get rid of you”. Still goes on today, in varying degrees. I also don’t define God in the way Christians do. If, in the odd chance, he actually asked me to do it, I would refuse on the grounds that this being is not God . However, this is only my opinion, I won’t come after you , if you don’t come after me. :) I love Penn and Teller.

Brad Pitt/ Bill Maher

2009-08-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Brad Pitt appeared on Bill Maher recently. Maher is a reknowned atheist and a hilarious comedian. I Tivo his HBO show on a regular basis. As reported on The Huffington Post:
"You know, I grew up in a religious family, in a religious community and it just doesn't make sense to me. It just doesn't work for me in the long run," Pitt said. "I never wanted to stop anyone else's religion and their beliefs until I started seeing it defining policy.... Like gay marriage. You have a group of people telling other people how to live their lives, and you can't do that."

In this country, everyone is entitled to an opinion and has the right to express it. We can believe in God, or not. We can believe in a Christian God, a Wiccan Goddess, one God, many Gods. A personal God, the Force, or the Universe. Some are not sure what they believe. All valid because we live in America. We can’t decide the right path for others. What works for me will not work for everyone.

Besides, how can I tell other people what their path is if I haven't figured out my own, yet. (I think I might Twitter that line).

Another Question

2009-08-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Please keep in mind that I am a searcher of knowledge and certainly not a teacher. I have been reading Tolle for the past few weeks. I have been wondering about the Ego.
Tolle does give credit to the good it has accomplished but 98% of the book is about the evil that comes from it and how to destroy it (as he has done). What kind of world would we have if there were no ego? All the bad results would be gone, but how about the good? As an example, what effect would it have on art? I don't know. Can we keep it on a leash as opposed to destroying it completely? Maybe Tolle or another wise man will come up with an answer in another book. I'm probably way off base. So I'll keep reading (and praying for wisdom).

Half the Picture

2009-07-23T09:33:00.001-07:00

I recently read a book recommended by a friend, “Sand in My Eyes” by Christine Lemmon, a local author. It’s about how conversations with an elderly neighbor with a gift for gardening brought Spirituality into a woman’s life. While reading this book, I realized that I have been focusing on being aware of my inner being, my soul. However, there is something that I have been neglecting: My connection to God (or the Source). I used to pray a lot. I thought that being spiritual meant that you prayed constantly, chatting up God, non-stop, about all the nonsense that your ego brings up. I am trying to quiet that voice and realize that it is not my identity. But that is only half the picture. I am going to remember what Dr. Wayne Dwyer said on Twitter: “Shift Your Focus from What's in it for me? to How may I Serve?”

From the Beginning

2009-07-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

I grew up as a Catholic. I left the Church at the age of 16. After I got married, my husband and I found a Methodist church that we liked and attended for a few years . I think that, even then, I had more of an interest than my husband, which is not all that unusual. But between starting our business and raising young children, we became too busy. When my mom passed away, I felt a very strong desire to become a nurse. I felt that God was directing me. Looking back on it however, I don’t remember asking for His opinion. Anyway, it did not work out. I felt let down by God. A couple of years later, after we moved to Florida, I fell into a state of depression. I found a Christian web site and realized that I needed spirituality in my life.

I used to believe that this meant a personal relationship with Christ. That meant the more I prayed the more spiritual I was. I attended Church on Sunday, read the Bible and prayed. I attended the same church for three years. The sermons were good. There were times when I felt they were written with me in mind. I joined the Church, attended Bible Studies, did a little volunteer work. But I did not feel like I fitted in. I wanted to. I joined a “small group”. Nice people, but I didn't feel it was for me.I stopped attending Church and fell away from the group, as well.
Well, needless to say, I started to slide into depression. Funny thing is that I don’t think my husband ever realized it. He saw the results of my depression but does not see what was causing it. However, a bit of luck! One day, I found an article about my former doctor who had joined up with a medically-supervised weight loss franchise. I told my husband about it and we both joined. We lost a lot of weight and I started to recover from my depression.

I joined a club where I heard about the book “The Secret”. I read the book and others like it. However, when the club took the a few months off, the depression started to return with the weight I had lost.

I have started to read positive and spiritual blogs, which have helped me a bit. I had heard of Eckhart Tolle from one of the members in the club. I bought the book, read one chapter and put it aside. A month ago I picked it back up, and I am studying it, along with reading the online class transcripts, using the notebook and practicing the exercises on Oprah.com. I did start keeping a journal, but it was turning into a daily planner, which has its use, but I needed to straighten out my thoughts on a deeper level. That is why I started this blog.

2009-07-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Whenever you think that you really don't matter.

How to be Content

2009-07-20T08:30:00.001-07:00

The person I was five minutes ago no longer exists. The labels don't apply. I am free to make new choices NOW.
Physically, I look the same. Well maybe I might have make-up on, or I might have re-combed my hair.
But my soul, spirit, my inner being, although it may live forever (haven’t figured that one out yet), as long as I disregard the labels placed on it by my ego, is free.
Even while I am making my bed or taking out the trash, my soul is free . If I live in the NOW, the present moment, with gratitude, I can be content.

Threats to Happiness

2009-07-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

We are responsible for our own happiness.

I certainly understand when someone needs to vent. Sometimes, I even talk it out to myself, when no one is available to listen. The ideal outcome is that you keep talking until you come up with a solution, or at least an understanding of why the situation is so bad. I have been surprised on occasion to have realized that I have contributed to the unhappy event. Sometimes, I just need to talk, I realize that the person I am talking to may not be in a situation to help. Talking just helps me to understand the situation better. However, when it’s the “same old song” going on for hours, it might be better to do something to take your mind off of it. If someone else is in a bad mood and I can’t find out why, I found that the best thing to do is to go off on my own and leave them alone for awhile. I need to find something positive to do in order to offset the negative energy.

Windows of the Soul

2009-07-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

Just got back from vacation. I will try to be more consistent with my writing.

In May of 2008, I was looking for a book club to join. There was only one in this town at that time and they were not taking any new members. So I kept looking, not knowing what I really wanted. I found a group that looked interesting, so I attended a meeting. I have an inferiority complex that pops up occasionally so of course the first thing I noticed was how young and beautiful the women were. I disregarded the voice in my head, sat down with a couple of ladies who were merely attractive and tried to smile. Eventually, as I continued to attend the meetings, I got to know the ladies a bit more and realized, first of all that I was judging them. And here I was worrying about them judging me. We have different lives and experiences, yet we are supporting each other. When I talk to them, I don’t see “the outer layer”. I look in their eyes and see their hopes and dreams , I think I can see their souls and that is what I relate to.

Musings from Last Night

2009-07-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Tolles’ book. I have been trying to become more aware of the tricks that my ego plays. Sometimes, I am aware that my ego is up to something, but I let it go because I like the feelings involved. Is the ego the true source of evil? Maybe it’s not a fallen angel after all, but my ego that is whispering in my ear.

Importance of Being True to Youself

2009-06-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

You need to be true to who you really are. Sometimes, in relationships, one person feels that the other person has qualities that they lack. If he/she is insecure, they may feel the need to control you to keep you in their life. In the process of doing that, they can kill your spirit. So they can either give up control and let you continue on your path and risk losing you, or by imprisoning you, destroy what they were attracted to in the first place.

Progress Report

2009-06-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

I bought a night light that clips to a book so I can read a bit at night after my husband goes to sleep. I had bought the Eckhart Tolle book “A New Earth” some time ago. It is amazing! The only other book I can compare it to is the Bible. Not that I have the same belief in it that many have in the Bible, just that the only way I can get my head around it is to study it like I used to study the Bible. I read a few pages, highlight some lines, rewrite some stuff into my own words and think about what I read and how I can use it in my life. The Oprah web site has transcripts of on-line classes and even homework assignments. This is going to be a big project. I feel that I need to do this to advance my spiritual growth. I have also been practicing awareness. I also would like to meditate daily. For some reason, this has been a difficult habit to sustain.

Lesson For Me

2009-06-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to start taking control of my life.

Micheal Jackson died yesterday. 50 years old. He probably thought that he had at least another 25 years ahead of him. Although he was close to his children, there were other family members that he did not see very often and other people who he was feuding with and had stopped talking to them. According to the family attorney, prescription drugs may have had something to do with his death.

Lesson: Take care of your relationships and keep your meds to a minimum. People die suddenly all the time. Young people can be in car accidents or have brain aneurisms or meningitis. Don’t let your problems go on. Do something,even if it’s just a baby step. Then you can tell yourself “Now I’m in the process of changing." The next baby step will be easier.

Did It Again

2009-06-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that I promised myself that I would take one hour out to meditate, write in my journal, and do some deep soul searching about my life purpose-type goals and why I am putting off thinking/doing anything about them, I wound up spending 90 minutes reading about Twitter apps. Now I have to catch up on my to-do list and handle some other stuff that just came up. I am 55 years old. I used to have a life purpose. But my life has changed. I need a new purpose.

First One

2009-06-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

Why am I doing this? I guess right now more for myself. If anyone should read this, and gets anything out of this or thinks they can help me, that would be appreciated. I have been bouncing from one thing to another my whole life. I have been deeply interested in religion (was born again at one time). I still am interested in spirituality but I don't think that my way is the right way for everyone. I am much more open than I used to be. I admire other faiths. I try to learn from them. I am more accepting of sexual practices. "Whatever gets you through the night is alright", John Lennon. (I am happily married and straight). I love to travel because I am fascinated by other cultures. I keep up with new music (love Black-Eyed Peas). Yet once in a while, I spend a day listening to my favorites from way back. I have many TV shows that I like, but I can't stomach "reality " shows. I like going to restaurants and am trying to exercise more and drink more water. I have interests that I would like to pursue, like photography, cooking and gardening. But between my to-do list and trying to acquire better habits leaves me with little time or energy.