Half the Picture

I recently read a book recommended by a friend, “Sand in My Eyes” by Christine Lemmon, a local author. It’s about how conversations with an elderly neighbor with a gift for gardening brought Spirituality into a woman’s life. While reading this book, I realized that I have been focusing on being aware of my inner being, my soul. However, there is something that I have been neglecting: My connection to God (or the Source). I used to pray a lot. I thought that being spiritual meant that you prayed constantly, chatting up God, non-stop, about all the nonsense that your ego brings up. I am trying to quiet that voice and realize that it is not my identity. But that is only half the picture. I am going to remember what Dr. Wayne Dwyer said on Twitter: “Shift Your Focus from What's in it for me? to How may I Serve?”

From the Beginning

I grew up as a Catholic. I left the Church at the age of 16. After I got married, my husband and I found a Methodist church that we liked and attended for a few years . I think that, even then, I had more of an interest than my husband, which is not all that unusual. But between starting our business and raising young children, we became too busy. When my mom passed away, I felt a very strong desire to become a nurse. I felt that God was directing me. Looking back on it however, I don’t remember asking for His opinion. Anyway, it did not work out. I felt let down by God. A couple of years later, after we moved to Florida, I fell into a state of depression. I found a Christian web site and realized that I needed spirituality in my life.

I used to believe that this meant a personal relationship with Christ. That meant the more I prayed the more spiritual I was. I attended Church on Sunday, read the Bible and prayed. I attended the same church for three years. The sermons were good. There were times when I felt they were written with me in mind. I joined the Church, attended Bible Studies, did a little volunteer work. But I did not feel like I fitted in. I wanted to. I joined a “small group”. Nice people, but I didn't feel it was for me.I stopped attending Church and fell away from the group, as well.
Well, needless to say, I started to slide into depression. Funny thing is that I don’t think my husband ever realized it. He saw the results of my depression but does not see what was causing it. However, a bit of luck! One day, I found an article about my former doctor who had joined up with a medically-supervised weight loss franchise. I told my husband about it and we both joined. We lost a lot of weight and I started to recover from my depression.

I joined a club where I heard about the book “The Secret”. I read the book and others like it. However, when the club took the a few months off, the depression started to return with the weight I had lost.

I have started to read positive and spiritual blogs, which have helped me a bit. I had heard of Eckhart Tolle from one of the members in the club. I bought the book, read one chapter and put it aside. A month ago I picked it back up, and I am studying it, along with reading the online class transcripts, using the notebook and practicing the exercises on Oprah.com. I did start keeping a journal, but it was turning into a daily planner, which has its use, but I needed to straighten out my thoughts on a deeper level. That is why I started this blog.

Whenever you think that you really don't matter.

How to be Content

The person I was five minutes ago no longer exists. The labels don't apply. I am free to make new choices NOW.
Physically, I look the same. Well maybe I might have make-up on, or I might have re-combed my hair.
But my soul, spirit, my inner being, although it may live forever (haven’t figured that one out yet), as long as I disregard the labels placed on it by my ego, is free.
Even while I am making my bed or taking out the trash, my soul is free . If I live in the NOW, the present moment, with gratitude, I can be content.

Threats to Happiness

We are responsible for our own happiness.

I certainly understand when someone needs to vent. Sometimes, I even talk it out to myself, when no one is available to listen. The ideal outcome is that you keep talking until you come up with a solution, or at least an understanding of why the situation is so bad. I have been surprised on occasion to have realized that I have contributed to the unhappy event. Sometimes, I just need to talk, I realize that the person I am talking to may not be in a situation to help. Talking just helps me to understand the situation better. However, when it’s the “same old song” going on for hours, it might be better to do something to take your mind off of it. If someone else is in a bad mood and I can’t find out why, I found that the best thing to do is to go off on my own and leave them alone for awhile. I need to find something positive to do in order to offset the negative energy.

Windows of the Soul

Just got back from vacation. I will try to be more consistent with my writing.

In May of 2008, I was looking for a book club to join. There was only one in this town at that time and they were not taking any new members. So I kept looking, not knowing what I really wanted. I found a group that looked interesting, so I attended a meeting. I have an inferiority complex that pops up occasionally so of course the first thing I noticed was how young and beautiful the women were. I disregarded the voice in my head, sat down with a couple of ladies who were merely attractive and tried to smile. Eventually, as I continued to attend the meetings, I got to know the ladies a bit more and realized, first of all that I was judging them. And here I was worrying about them judging me. We have different lives and experiences, yet we are supporting each other. When I talk to them, I don’t see “the outer layer”. I look in their eyes and see their hopes and dreams , I think I can see their souls and that is what I relate to.

Musings from Last Night

I have been reading Tolles’ book. I have been trying to become more aware of the tricks that my ego plays. Sometimes, I am aware that my ego is up to something, but I let it go because I like the feelings involved. Is the ego the true source of evil? Maybe it’s not a fallen angel after all, but my ego that is whispering in my ear.