Monday, November 9, 2009

Progress report

I periodically go through periods of depression. The last one started a few weeks ago at a party. I suddenly felt separated from everyone else. I told myself that was ridiculous, but the feeling stayed with me. Instead of the positive, uplifting atmosphere that I usually experience with my friends, I felt as though no one really wanted me there. I have been reading the Eckhart Tolle book “A New Earth” and one theory I could not understand was “the pain body”. He devoted an entire chapter to this, but from what I do understand, I think he defines it as an accumulation of old, negative emotions, that form an energy field that exists in your body. It lies dormant, and one day, wham, something sets it off. It takes you over and you just want to be miserable and make others feel bad, too. Your pain body feeds off this.

Afterthe party, I came right home, me and my pain body, that is. Within hours, I could see a change in attitude in my husband and in my kids, as well. At this point, I believe in the existence of the pain body. I don’t want to engage in any helpful behavior, In fact, I am getting worse. I‘m not concentrating as well, I make a mistake with paying a bill, and my husband, who is already feeling negative about the world, said some very upsetting things to me.
The old feelings of no respect for myself were returning. Something came up with my daughter, so I had to miss meditation class. I was sliding downhill rapidly.

One day I read on Twitter “Take a moment and ask yourself, are the feelings I have right now supporting me in my ultimate purpose and goals,” Ken Lauher. I examined how I was feeling at that moment and asked myself if that was how I wanted my life to be.

Well, now I am posting a bit more on Twitter and Facebook, writing more, and I am going to attend a meeting of Toastmasters to see if that can help me to become more self-confident. I will be taking a French class next semester and moving forward on some business plans. And I am back on my diet. So far I’ve lost 22 lbs., have 25 to go.

I am taking responsibility for my own happiness.

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